January 20, 2012

Where my mind is today …

I’m having a tough day. Last night I was on top of the world because I ate so well and I kept to my workout rotation. However, when I woke up this morning, I stepped on the scale and all that work didn’t translate into any kind of a loss, but rather a gain of 1lb. I know that I shouldn’t get discouraged by this, but I can’t help it. While losing weight that damn number means the difference between a good day and a bad day. I just hate that. I originally stopped weighing myself daily because of that, but the alternative was that I never weighed myself and I gained weight. The harsh reality of the scale in a way is a tool that keeps me in line and motivates me to keep on trying. However, with the successes comes days like today where I feel completely pissed off at the scale.
Basically, I think, “I could have had that 80 calorie Weight Watchers Ice Cream bar last night and it wouldn’t have made a difference on the scale this morning!” I know that in the long run it doesn’t make a difference and even in the short run it doesn’t really matter, but if I were to eat that bar, I would be 80 calories further from my goal. At one point my body is going to have to give in and lose the weight. It has to! I just have to persevere and insist that I continue on this path…but I do have bad days.
I guess this closely relates to yesterday’s post about Blind Faith. I just feel as the days pass by, I get blinder and blinder. Then again, really what do I expect?!?!?!? To lose a million pounds in 20 days? It just isn’t possible. As I’ve put on my sidebar of this blog, my goal for this month is a 4lb. loss. Guess what? If that really is my goal, I’ve already accomplished it. So really I am reaching my expectations…so why the crazy psychosis over the scale number if I’ve already reached my goal? Why?!?!?
It must have something to do with the fact that I’m a numbers girl. I find comfort in numbers. I find control in numbers. Okay, that last statement sounded sort of disorder, but my career involves a lot of numbers and keeping things in balance. I’m just naturally inclined to use numbers and it feels great when there is a balance.
The reality is that every time I look at people’s 1-month progress picture, usually, they look the same as they did the month prior and have only lost a handful of pounds, if not less. Basically, the first month can be very frustrating if you are putting your all into your efforts…and you’ve guessed it, I am putting my all into this effort. The only difference between this time, and every other time is that this time I REALLY want it and I have a blog to prove it. I am dedicated to this and I will accomplish this. I am so tired of talking about nutrition and health and not looking the part. I want to add that credibility back into the words that come out of my mouth. I want people to recognize that I practice what I preach. I want to feel legitimate. I want to do that for myself…and I want to fit back into my Bongo jeans J
The change will come, but guaranteed I will have more days like today.

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