October 4, 2012

How things changed for me...

I wrote this a few months back and basically it sums up what happened to me and why things had to change for me. I hesitated to post this, but it has to be here. It has to be explained why I looked as bad as I felt inside. It has to be put on here because it's a part of who I am. I hope people don't judge. It's my story. It's how I felt and what better place to dump it off than here.


In December 2010, my dad got really sick in the hospital. He went in to the hospital a strong man walking and came out of there in a stretcher. It was supposed to be a routine surgery but he almost died. Luckily by the grace of god he survived. After the entire ordeal, he was left in a rehabilitation center to relearn and regain his normal functions (i.e. walking, talking, feeding himself and even holding up his head.) To say the least, it really affected our close knit family. We still are coping with it, but for the most part we have almost regained our normal pattern of life.

The truth is I did regain my normal pattern of life. However, this event left me messed up in the head. I don’t think I will ever be normal again. It broke my heart and woke up a fear within me that wasn’t there before.

I am afraid of losing people I love.

I am afraid of losing my health.

My fear is so huge that at one point it crippled me. I began to think that every moment had to be cherished. It is true that we should be appreciative of what we have and enjoy every minute, but how I was feeling wasn’t normal. It was almost like I was in hyper mode.  I was exhausting myself mentally and often crying when moments would pass. For instance, when a birthday would pass I would cry after because that person would never have THAT birthday again! Or when my son would be laughing on the couch at something so innocent and simple, I would think, “He will never be this little again.” Basically, I was driving myself crazy.

I also began to feel like my life wasn’t good enough.

I wasn’t being great at everything, every single second of every single day. It became a pattern of mania and then depression. It was mania to be the best all the time and then depression when I wasn’t. The ability to just ‘be’ had become a luxury for me. I had a constant broken record in my head and the pattern was making me insane.

What was making things worse is that I tried to hide it from the people around me. I’m still not sure who had caught on and who never did. I know my husband saw it and also felt my sadness and anger when I felt that our life wasn’t good enough; that we weren’t being the most productive humans ever.

So how did it all stop? Well, I had to get medicated. It was either that or I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It all culminated on my son’s 3rd Birthday. That day was hell for me and I regret that I felt that way, but it was just too out of control. When the day was over and the party was done…I cried and then made an appointment with my doctor for the following Monday. It was either going to be that I get help or I was just not going to be sane for much longer.

Within a few weeks that broken record skipped over the scratch and it started to play again. My head began to get straight again. The pattern had been broken and I began to get back to normal. With me, what you saw is what you got again.

It’s been about 3 months since I’ve been on the road to better. The changes are immense. I still think that every day is a blessing and that the people we love should be cherished. However, it is not how it used to be. There is balance in my thoughts. I’m not going from one extreme to another every single minute. I can actually live in a moment instead of having that voice in the back of my head, “Enjoy this. It will never be like this again.” Since that annoying little voice has been silenced, I have been able to actually live. I am in a whole different place today than I was three months ago. I also feel a little enlightened.

My fears are still there. I still fear losing my loved ones. I still fear that my body will deteriorate at one point in my life and my young spirit will outlive my body.

However…

I’m not dead yet! There are things in my life that I can control that will better whatever amount of predetermined time I have on this planet. There are moments that I will record with my mind and they will be with me forever, despite the people in them not always being with me.

I understand life a lot better now. I understand it better because of something so big that affected my little life.

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